When I ask people to describe “hot sex,” I often get either blank faces or descriptions of something intense and passionate, usually with the image of red lights, quick shadows, and no words being exchanged. Following up, I’ll inquire about how someone feels about engaging in that type of act, and while some wholeheartedly agree that is a goal, others freeze and go, “But that doesn’t feel like me.”
There are many different directions we can take and explore here. Still, I want to look at the various “flavors” of sex that any person can have and recognize that it does not lie on a scale of zero to ten but rather a wide variety of nuances, feelings, intensities, and experiences.
Sensual/Soft
Sometimes referred to as “vanilla,” softer types of sex often do not get enough credit. The slow dance between individuals usually allows a greater range of someone to take in the experience moment by moment and indeed be able to focus on every aspect of the sensations being experienced, both big and small. In the realm of sex therapy, some of what we assign as “sensate-focused exercises” fall into this category and can help clients who are working on getting accustomed to sensations in their body and being fully present instead of mentally disconnecting.
Fun/Playful
Playing around with and joking with your partner often happens outside the bedroom, and there is no reason to stop once clothes come off! Tickling, laughing, teasing, and other forms of banter can be incredibly connecting for individuals together, and I believe it is often at the heart of what sex is at its core. Just people playing with their bodies together and having fun. When bringing this aspect up to clients, I often see a look of surprise and then relief on their faces when we discuss that this is a valid way to connect and experience sexuality with each other.
Exploratory/Curious
This type can be described as a blend of the first two: sensual and playful. It is essential to recognize that the intention here is to explore new things together without the pressure to be “perfect.” Trying out new positions, toys, situations, and anything new can be added to this. Where I often see people fail in this is when the pressure to “perform” is first in their minds. From the start, have a conversation with your partner that orgasm is not the goal, perfection is not the goal, and the goal is solely to try out new things to see what each person likes and doesn’t like. If orgasm and passion/intensity happen, then great! But it’s not a necessity.
Intense/Primal
This type of sex is what was described at the beginning of the post and what most people think of as “great sex” stereotypically. It definitely can be! This type of primal hunger and desire can be highly connecting between two people and freeing for the individual. When using the term “primal,” we are using it in the realm of primal desire, but not the “primal” related to a kink or fetish, although the two often overlap. We are referring to releasing oneself to instinctual desires, impulses, and reflexes without anxiety or hesitation within the realm of desire. In research, this characteristic can be found across all types of sex but is most experienced within this type.
Clarifying with your partner(s) what mood you are in and what type of sex you want at the time is crucial to ensuring a satisfactory experience for all. Also, if one type is your default preference, I challenge you to explore the benefits of other types. Your innate desires may not change, but the ability to examine various types of pleasure and connection with your partner can significantly increase, providing a positive experience for all.
Is your interest piqued? Want to learn more? Please reach out to our office for a free, 15-minute consultation to be matched with one of our couples counselors to explore ways to increase intimacy with your partner.