“I’m always so tired at the end of the day and don’t have the energy for sex.”
“I close my eyes and hope they finish soon. *shrugs* I don’t mind, it’s just how things are.”
“When we first got together sex was so exciting and now sex just feels like a chore, but I know that’s normal”
“Last time we had sex was…. I don’t remember how long ago but it must not have been very good.”
I hear these statements consistently in the counseling room from individuals and couples regarding their sex life. Even when sexual concerns weren’t what they originally came in to address. This somehow has become the reality for many. Do these sound like you could have said them? If so, you are not alone and you are not beyond hope for things to change! In working with couples and individuals on a variety of struggles, these are the three most common sex myths that I find that people have fallen for.
1. ) Sex must have No Mistakes
From a purely clinical perspective, the idea that we will automatically know our own and our partner’s bodies without any type of exploration, mistakes, or wrong moves is ridiculous. Unfortunately, this is the idea that is perpetuated. It is asssumed that you will automatically know how and when to move your body and just the right way to touch your partner to please them. The sheer weight of this pressure is paralyzing for many and rightly so! To be expected to perform perfectly can be terrifying and limits the growth of the individual and the couple.
Open a dialogue with your partner before sex begins and discuss how you want to learn more about what they like. Find out if they like sex slow, hard, fast, soft, gentle, rough, etc. The truth is that many people are not used to this type of dialogue. If they are not able to give answers, work together on creating a feedback system during actual sex. This alone can be incredibly sexy and a turn-on.
“Do you like that…”
“I think you must want more of that…”
“Let’s try this over here…”
All of these examples can be said in a seductive voice and can enhance the experience overall.
2.) Sex must be Serious
Hot, passionate, groans, screams – these are the images many visualize when they think of how sex should be. These images can be a part of some types of sex and they can certainly be satisfying. However, limiting sexual experiences to just this type of sex can also be restricting and take away how dynamic and versatile sex can be.
Some of the best sexual experiences include laughs, being silly with each other, exploring, and being curious. It is freeing to be able to do something and realize how comical it was that a certain position, toy, or angle didn’t work. When the pressure is taken away to be perfect, we are left with how laughable the situation is. You are naked and switching in and out of odd positions usually with a brief awkward pause in between. A short laugh shared can alleviate all the awkwardness and tension in the room. This allows you to move forward into something else.
3.) Sex must be Spontaneous
One of the biggest reasons I hear from couples when asked why they haven’t had sex in a while is “We’re both just so tired at the end of the day.” Rightly so! You’re exhausted and have worked all day giving to other people. While there are many ways to combat this, one of the easiest and quick ways is to schedule that time for you and your partner.
“Scheduling sex??? That’s not sexy at all. Hey, let me try to fit them in…”. This is how this suggestion has been met in the past but hear me out…not having sex isn’t sexy either. Coming to your partner and wording it in a way of “I miss touching you and kissing you…Do you think we can plan some time tomorrow afternoon for us to have an hour? I plan on doing ____________ if you’re down for it.” This can be an immense turn on for many people and then you are left with a build-up that can last the entire morning up until you come together. To know your partner desires you enough to set aside time for you in a schedule that is always demanding, it’s an incredible feeling and one that reassures your relationship is a priority.
There are so many other sexual myths that often we don’t realize we believe until years later! If you have found yourself saying similar statements like the ones listed above and you want to talk more about how to challenge these and other myths in your life, give us a call! I’d love to work with you and/or you and your partner to experience the best sex of your lives! Reach out to us for a free 10 to 15-minute consultation at firstname.lastname@example.org!