“I’m just always so tired at the end of the day and don’t have energy.”
“I just close my eyes and hope they finish soon. *shrugs* I don’t mind though, it’s just how things are.”
“When we first got together things were so exciting and now sex just feels like a chore, but I know that’s normal”
“Last time we had sex was…. I don’t remember how long ago but it obviously wasn’t very good.”
These are things I hear consistently in the counseling room from both individuals and couples regarding their sex life. Even when sexual concerns wasn’t what they originally came in for, somehow this has become the reality for many. So, if these sound like you could have said them, you’re not alone! And you’re not beyond hope for things to change too. In working with couples and individuals on a variety of struggles, these are the most common beliefs I find that people have about sex that aren’t inherently true.
1. ) Sex must have No Mistakes
From a purely clinical perspective, the idea that we will automatically know our own and our partner’s bodies without any type of exploration, mistakes or wrong moves is ridiculous. Unfortunately, this is the idea though that is perpetuated. That you will be able to automatically know how and when to move your body and just the right way to touch your partner to bring them pleasure. The sheer weight of this pressure is paralyzing for many and rightly so! To be expected to perform perfectly from the beginning can be terrifying and limits the growth for the individual and couple to grow together.
Open a dialogue with your partner before sexual time begins and discuss how you want to learn more of what they like. If they like it slow, hard, fast, soft, gentle, rough, etc… If they are not able to give answers (because many people aren’t used to this type of dialogue) work together on creating a feedback system during actual sex. This in an of itself can be incredibly sexy and a turn on.
“Do you like that…”
“I think you must want more of that…”
“Let’s try this over here…”
All can be said in a seductive voice that is included in the sexual scene to ENHANCE the experience overall.
2.) Sex must be Serious
Hot, passionate, groans, screams – these are the images many picture when they think of how sex should be. They can be a part of some types of sex absolutely and it can be really satisfying but limiting sexual experiences to just this can also be really limiting and take away how dynamic and versatile sex can be.
Some of the best sexual experiences include laughs, being silly with each other, exploring and being curious. To be able to do something and realize how comical it was that a certain position, toy or angle didn’t work, when the pressure is taken away to be perfect, we are left with how laughable the situation is. Naked in odd positions usually with a brief awkward pause… a short laugh shared together can alleviate all the awkwardness and tension in the room, leaving you able to move forward into something else.
3.) Sex must be Spontaneous
One of the biggest reasons I hear from couples when asked why they haven’t had sex in a while is “We’re both just so tired at the end of the day.” Rightly so! You’re exhausted, drained and have worked all day giving to other people. While there are many ways to combat this though, one of the easiest and quick ways is to find another time of day and schedule out that time for your and your partner.
“Scheduling sex??? That’s not sexy at all. Hey let me try to fit them in…” Is how this suggestion has been met in the past but hear me out… Not having sex isn’t sexy either. Coming to your partner and wording it in a way of “I really miss touching you and kissing you… Do you think we can plan some time tomorrow afternoon for us to have an hour? I plan on doing ____________ if you’re down for it.” Is an immense turn on for many people and then you are left with a build up that can last the entire morning up until you come together. To know your partner desires you enough to set aside time for you in a schedule that is always demanding, it’s an incredible feeling and one that reassures your relationship being a priority.
There are so many other sexual myths that often we don’t realize we believe until years later! If you find yourself related to any of these things or want to talk more about how to challenge these and other myths in your life, give us a call! I’d love to work with you and/or you and your partner to experience the best sex of your lives!