“That’s it! I’m firmly in my villain era. I’m done.”
Variations of this empowering declaration have been echoing from adolescents to adults, gaining momentum from social media trends. The ‘villain era’ is not a retreat but a bold step towards self-empowerment, a response to the overly accommodating behavior of the past.
When someone discusses a villain era in their life, they usually include at least three things that improved: boundaries, direct communication, and self-care.
Boundaries
Sometimes, there can be a lot of confusion around boundaries, so this is a common conversation in the therapy room. Boundaries are lines that you set to protect yourself that you can fully enforce by leaving a situation. They could be anything from establishing time boundaries to limits around behavior, what you will and will not do, and more. These should apply to all relationships, both personal and professional.
An example would be, “My work day finishes in 15 minutes, so you are more than welcome to email me that project, but I will not be able to get to it until the morning.” Another example would be, “I know you’re angry, but I won’t let you yell at me. If you continue to yell, I am leaving the room.”
Direct Communication
In both of the previous examples, direct communication was used to ensure the clarity of the statement. A common mistake for people new to setting boundaries is setting them in their minds but wavering when actually communicating with others. Make sure when these items are stated that there is no confusion about what is being stated and that you are not adding words and explanations to justify your thoughts and feelings. The fact that they are your thoughts and feelings is enough.
Self Care
This point goes beyond bubble baths and face masks. Self-care is doing and not doing what needs to be done to care for your mind, body, and emotional state. Sometimes, this may not be going to an event everyone else is pressuring you to attend, or it could be going somewhere you know it would help and energize you. Acting on these things requires a moderate level of self-awareness and the ability to analyze and answer, “What do I need right now?”
How Does This Work?
Many people have embraced these previous ideas but have also encountered some really negative repercussions along the way. Here are some tips to help smooth the process out so that it becomes a long-lasting, sustainable change rather than a temporary “era.”
Admitting the Change
People in your life will notice the change in your behavior quickly. Without context, it can feel jarring sometimes. While you have the right to make a behavior change without explaining it, opening up the conversation around boundaries and communication is often helpful to everyone involved. It can be as simple as, “Hey, I realized I haven’t been very good at setting limits and boundaries to ensure I can care for myself. I am working on that and being more clear, so if I start to seem different, that’s why.”
Balancing with Compassion – Evaluating the Method of the Approach
Communication is a skill to develop, and it takes time and practice. The most common struggle I see is someone having really positive intentions to communicate clear boundaries, but it comes across as rude and angry. Evaluate and experiment with the effectiveness of methods that do not compromise the integrity of the situation. Showing empathy is often a powerful tool to ensure your voice is heard.
Some examples of this would be:
“I know you really wanted to see your grandkids again tonight, but they need sleep because of school tomorrow. We can plan a weekend evening get-together, but not tonight.”
“Taking a run at the end of the day helps me decompress. I also want to spend with you, but I know I must do this first.”
“I appreciate you inviting me to the party, but I need to take the weekend myself. Thank you, though!”
Overall, embracing your villain era can be extremely powerful and needed, no matter your stage of life. It is always possible to get started!