Sex! It’s supposed to be enjoyable, connecting, and passionate – right? That’s what movies tell us, at least. Unfortunately, this is not the life for many people, and this isn’t a guarantee about how sex will be. It can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and even painful for some. After months or even years of this, I often hear of people giving up having any sexual life or forcing themselves into sexual experiences they don’t want to make their partner happy.
So where do we go from there? Every situation is different, and I highly suggest seeking a licensed professional to help you navigate difficult moments. In the meantime, here are some broad steps to get you started! These are the same things I talk to my clients about in our sessions as we develop plans to help them reclaim their bodies and sexuality.
Know Your Body
I once had a mentor tell me, “No one should know your body better than you!” – it changed my perspective on bodily autonomy and growth. It’s incredibly accurate! We often desire our partners to know what we like, how to pleasure us and feel as natural as TV. That is rarely what happens, though. Amazing lovers take time to be created, and chemistry can be developed through communication and cooperation. For your partner to know what you like/don’t like, you need to know yourself!
Set aside some time to explore your body. What type of touch do you like? Toys? Pressure? Intensity?
Then look beyond the physical touch. What type of music turns you on? Lights? Smells? Clothing? Mental stimulation?
All these connect to your body; again, you deserve to know yourself intimately.
Accept Where You Are At
No one enters into sex being an expert! Even the most experienced still have areas to grow, develop and adjust. Patience and acceptance throughout any stage are important. There is nothing shameful about NOT knowing at any specific age. What’s important is the movement forward to learn and grow. Sexuality is so nuanced and diverse as it is; there will always be more to learn, grow in, and develop in.
A healthy partnership is one where there is also acceptance for each person in where they are at in their sexual journey. If there are accusations, degrading, or derogatory comments, these speak to a more extensive communication and relationship issue, not sexual insecurity.
When most people talk about “sex,” they reference penile/vaginal intercourse, usually ending with an orgasm by one or both partners. How limiting! Sex encompasses the entire experience, even before physical touch occurs. By taking the pressure away from just intercourse, it can allow growth, exploration, and reinforcing strengths in so many areas! Are you great at foreplay? Teasing? Aftercare? Being sensual? Rough? Sexting? Creativity? All these are areas where you can shine in YOUR unique strengths and personality related to sex.
Embrace Where You Are
It can be challenging while struggling through sex to not become resentful with your body, your partner, or even sex as a concept that is expected. Remember, sexuality is a journey to be experienced, all the highs, lows, new twists, and turns with various features. You are growing and experiencing things in your timing. It might look different than others, but it is YOURS, and that is what matters.
If you want personalized help in your sexual journey, reach out today for a free consultation to talk with one of our licensed professionals!