“How in the WORLD am I supposed to bring that up with them?” – a common question found in my therapy room as I work with individuals and couples to improve things sexually and spice things up in all the positive ways!
And it’s fair! Many of us grew up with sex being a “taboo” topic that feels awkward as we try to gain confidence now, not just in what we do but in how we think and feel in the bedroom as well.
One of my favorite tricks to get people started is to utilize an outside method to bring up these questions. It can normalize the conversations, place the “blame” for the awkwardness on an external source, and help you all get comfortable with this area. This “outside source” could be a card game, app, board game, or…. this blog!
Here are some of my top favorite questions and reasonings to ask clients to help them explore more of their sexuality!
“When does sex start?”
– Challenging the belief that sex only starts with intercourse is vital to expanding the horizons of sexual potential. Furthermore, understanding how non-sexual actions impact sex can increase understanding of many pairings.
“Describe your sexuality.”
– Sometimes, a person’s sexuality changes based on who they are partnered with. Having an independent sexual identity is essential for self-exploration. It also increases differentiation in a coupling.
“Tell me about who you were in your earliest, consensual sexual experience and who you are now in sexual experiences.”
– The sexual growth and journey of a person can tell you a lot about their self-responsibility, accountability, and growth potential.
“What is the most memorable part of sex to you?”
“Using only five adjectives, describe your ideal sexual encounter.”
– This method allows for creativity in the listener by not giving them a play-by-play of what to do, but still provides a framework of what the communicator desires from a sexual experience.
“What does having an orgasm mean to you? What does lack of an orgasm mean to you?”
– Orgasm tends to hold a lot of weight for many people. While orgasm can undoubtedly be pleasurable, a hyper-focus on it can detract from the overall experience, especially if it doesn’t happen every time.
“How are you a sexual being when you are not having sex?”
– By putting sexuality in a box, only to be opened from time to time, it limits the potential for sexual experiences and can be harder to shift from one frame of mind to another. Embodying sexuality during day to day interactions in socially appropriate ways can be empowering for many people.
“What does f***ing mean to you?”
– This word tends to get a strong positive and negative reaction. It explores a different aspect of sexuality and prompts deeper discussion about associations, styles and preferences.
Try these questions out with yourself and/or with a partner! Did they bring up good conversation and thought? If you would like to explore more, reach out to schedule a conversation with one of our therapists!