We often discuss strategies to improve communication in relationships and how to get your message across clearly and effectively. However, mistakes and miscommunications still happen even with the best of intentions and planning. Feelings can still get hurt, and apologies are needed for all parties involved.
Apologies help clarify a miscommunication, rebuild trust after a breach, and set a plan to move forward after experiencing hurt in the relationship. They can help each person know exactly where the misunderstandings happened, and by identifying where the communication broke down, you can better plan how to mend those breakdowns in the future.
But what is needed in an apology, and what is the best way to address what happened while still moving forward? Keep reading for the formula Dr. Alyssa gives to her clients!
As a disclaimer, these strategies are structured for basic miscommunications and minor grievances. More significant issues, such as infidelity, actions with malicious intent, and/or abuse, should be addressed in a different manner and ideally with a licensed professional there to support the conversation.
Owning It
Owning the action is the most crucial step, but often the one that most people skip. It does not mean agreeing with your partner or accepting the entire weight of the whole discussion. What it means is that you are accepting your responsibility for your actions without giving reasons or excuses to explain them away. Giving context can be done at a later time or in another discussion. Still, for the point of the apology, they are not timely. You will often be able to recognize where this statement is complete when it feels the most awkward usually. This would be saying something to the effect of:
“I did not check in with you about the plans for the weekend before making my own; I apologize for that.”
Validate
Next, you want to validate and recognize what the other person is experiencing. It is possible to hurt someone, even with the best of intentions. This need for our pain to be seen and heard is incredibly strong and often is where these conversations circle around and around. Simple validation statements, leaning into empathy, can significantly stop these cycles.
“When I did that, it made you feel like I was not prioritizing you and left you feeling hurt.”
Collaborate Action
This part is vital! Creating an action plan together can increase their trust in you and your ability to solve the problem. This also keeps you from guessing how to move forward best or mind-reading what is going on in their world. Pause for a moment, though, and ensure that anything you are suggesting is something you can commit to wholeheartedly without resentment or animosity.
“You are my priority, and I want to ensure I am showing you that. Can we sit down and schedule when we will have our dates together over the next few weeks?”
Do you need to dive deeper into applying this to your relationship? Reach out today to set up a free consultation!