You and your partner are in a committed relationship and are discussing marriage. What an exciting time in your life! Amid the excitement and the immense love that you are feeling for your partner, it is important to remember that there is much more to long-term healthy relationships than love itself.
Life is incredibly challenging and you want to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page and will be able to face any challenges that come your way head-on. You and your partner may disagree on some of these topics, but it is important to open the conversation so that you can identify a compromise that feels right for both of you. The answers to these questions and the discussions that arise may solidify the strength of your relationship or raise some red flags that need to be addressed. Before you make that trip down the aisle and say “I do!”, be sure to discuss these 6 important topics with your partner.
1) Finances
Taking time to understand how the finances will be managed in the relationship can save you an argument later down the road. For some individuals discussing money can be uncomfortable, but it is one of the most important discussions to have before you are married. Here are a few examples of questions to spark discussion with your partner about your finances:
- “Will we share a bank account, keep our bank accounts separate, or create a joint account and keep our separate bank accounts as well?”
- “What financial goals do you have for the future regarding savings, retirement, etc?
- “How much debt do you have at this time? What kind of debt is it?”
- “How important is money to you?”
- “How will we handle the bills? Will one of us pay all bills or will we split the bills?”
- “What is the maximum amount that one of us can spend before we need to consult the other?”
- “Are you interested in having a prenup in place?”
2) Children
Identifying your desire to have or to not have children, exploring parenting styles, and more are necessary in making sure that you and your partner have the same vision in mind for your future. Here are a few examples of questions to spark discussion with your partner about children and parenting:
- “Do you want children and if so, how many?”
- “Are there any medical conditions that would prevent us from conceiving?”
- “If we are opting for alternative ways to have a child, are you open to adoption? Surrogacy? IVF?”
- “What parenting style do you prefer?”
- “What are things that your parents did for you growing up that you wish to do for your children? What things would you want to do differently than your parents?”
- “How do you envision dividing up parenting tasks?”
- “Who will be the primary caretaker?”
- “If we are wanting to hold off on having children, what kind of birth control would we use?”
3) Family
Your partner’s family will end up being a significant part of your life once you marry whether they are greatly involved or not. Discussing your relationship with your own family, your partner’s relationship with their family, and how you plan to navigate each family can be quite helpful. Gaining information on your partner’s family of origin can provide a lot of insight. Here are a few examples of questions to spark discussion with your partner about family:
- “What was your relationship with your parents like throughout your childhood?”
- “What is your relationship with your parents like now?”
- “How much time do you expect us to spend with your family?”
- “How will we handle conflict if it arises with in-laws?”
- “How will we dedicate time with family during the holidays or other important events?”
- “What kind of relationship do you hope for me to have with your family?”
- “What kind of boundaries would you want to put in place for our families?”
4) Career Goals
We spend the majority of our time at work. For some, work can require a lot of travel, overtime, odd hours, or other expectations. Understanding your partner’s career goals for the future can help each of you understand how it will impact your relationship and discuss this with one another. Here are a few examples of questions to spark discussion with your partner about career goals:
- “What are your career goals?”
- “What would be your ideal job?”
- “What will it take for you to reach your ideal career goal? More schooling? Training?”
- “Have you ever thought about a career change?”
- “What does your job entail?”
- “Do you have to travel a lot for your line of work?”
- “How will you make time for our relationship if you have to travel a lot for work?”
- “What are your usual hours for work?”
- “How important is your career to you?”
- “Have you ever quit a job? Been fired?”
- “How long have you been employed?”
5) Values, Beliefs, and Political Affiliation
We may not hold all of the same beliefs as our partners, but it is important to have some core values in common. Explore what your partner’s political affiliations, moral beliefs, and religious beliefs are to identify if you share any values and to identify how strongly these beliefs and values are to your partner. Here are a few examples of questions to spark discussion with your partner about values and beliefs:
- ”Are you religious? If so, what faith? Or are you spiritual?”
- ”Would you want religion to play an important role in our marriage? If so, what would that look like?”
- ”If we have children, would you want us to include religion in their upbringing?”
- ”Do you have a political affiliation?”
- ”Do you like to discuss politics?”
- ”How do you feel about elections? Do you vote or not?”
- ”Do you ever get involved in political protests or marches?”
- ”What is your view on racism, sexism, ageism, etc?”
- ”If we have different political views or religious beliefs, is that a deal breaker for the relationship?”
- ”What are your core values? Examples: trust, respect, etc.”
6) Conflict
Conflict is inevitable. It is not a matter of “if”, it is a matter of “when”. In any relationship, there will be some form of conflict although it will look different for each couple. Understanding how you and your partner handle conflict, how you can support one another in these moments, and how you self-soothe can be important in navigating any challenges that may arise. Here are a few examples of questions to spark discussion with your partner about conflict:
- “What topics are triggers for you?”
- “What is your communication style?”
- “When you find yourself in conflict with someone close to you, how do you navigate it?”
- “When conflict escalates, how do you decompress?”
- “In moments of conflict, what do you need from your partner?”
- “Do you have any “deal breakers” for a relationship? If so, what are they?”
- “If there is infidelity in the relationship, would you want to try to work it out?”
- “Would you ever be interested in marriage counseling?”
- “Are there any issues in our relationship that need to be addressed before we get married?”
We hope this blog has helped identify topics that you need to discuss with your partner and has given you some ideas on what to ask during these conversations. If you need tips on how to start conversations like this, check out our blog “How to Initiate Difficult Conversations”.
If you and your partner are interested in premarital counseling, our counselors at Natural Balance Counseling are ready and willing to support you. Reach out to us for a free 10 to 15-minute consultation! Email us at admin@naturalbalancecounseling.com or submit an inquiry right here on our website!